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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26843923">What means to be Hordak</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonsofmars/pseuds/moons-of-mars'>moons-of-mars (moonsofmars)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, Day 3, Entrapdak Month, Episode: s05e03 Corridors, F/M, Hordak remembers (briefly), Hordak thinks Entrapta is dead, Hordak-centric (She-Ra), Horde Prime Is His Own Warning, Hurt No Comfort, Memory Loss, Past, Why Did I Write This?, but can you deny it?, did i really type the sentence 'being hordak means suffering' yes i did, hurt hordak</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:14:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,026</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26843923</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonsofmars/pseuds/moons-of-mars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on what happened to Hordak after Catra called him by his name in episode 3 of season 5.</p>
<p>Or, a (supposedly) nameless clone is forced to deal with a past he should have forgotten. It doesn't go well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Entrapta/Hordak (She-Ra)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What means to be Hordak</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this for day three of Entrapdak Positivity Month using the prompt Past but I didn't have the chance to post it in time (ops!). Anyway, I like to headcanon that the reason why Hordak asked Prime to take away his memories was that they were too painful to bear. I probably was a little overdramatic ...<br/>I rated this T because there is no graphic description of violence and even though Hordak is convinced that Entrapta is dead, we know she isn't. I warn you though, Hordak still suffers and Prime is creepy.</p>
<p>I hope you'll enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clones don’t seek loneliness nor need a place where to stop and just think. The only thing they should care and worry about is how to be useful to Horde Prime, the saviour of the universe. Yet this clone - a simple clone, like all the others, with his white and black garment and bright green eyes -, this common, nameless clone is hasting down the corridors of the Velvet Glove without orders or purpose, going ... he doesn’t even know where he is going. He just knows that his mind is foaming like a stormy sea -</p>
<p>
  <em>Where did he see a stormy sea? He shouldn’t remember yet it’s there, right in front of his eyes, the waves breaking against the boat’s hull, and he is standing and watching as the fire burns everything, tinging the water red as blood. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Salineas.</em>
</p>
<p>How does he remember? Why now? He<em> shouldn’t</em>, those memories shouldn’t be there, they are forbiddenforbiddenforbidden- </p>
<p>The clone clenches his jaw and fists and speeds up, glancing behind his shoulder to make sure he is alone. This is not supposed to happen. He is nothing but a servant of the great Horde Prime, and yet … </p>
<p>She gave him a name. Little Sister - <em>Catra</em>, <em>no</em>, <em>Force Captain Catra </em>- gave him a name. A name that he would just want to forget - it is <em>wrong </em>to have a name - but that he can’t cast out of his mind. It’s now marked on his brain with fire and echos in his head like a distant call.</p>
<p><em>Hordak</em>. </p>
<p>He gasps and stumbles, reaching for the nearest wall to find support, then crawls into a near recess, head in his hands, nails scratching his skin. <em>He is not Hordak</em>. He is a clone, a faithful servant of Horde Prime - his brother, his God. He doesn’t want to be Hordak, because being Hordak means - </p>
<p><em>Hot blood spilling from his mouth and arms as he crawls out of a destroyed ship. A look is enough to crush his hope - it will never be able to fly again. In the meanwhile, his body screams</em>, <em> worse than usual, worse than ever</em>. </p>
<p>The clone swallows hard. His heart pumps fast and he feels like he is not getting enough air. Being Hordak means solitude and desperation. It means looking up at the sky and seeing no stars. It means to spend every hour working on a project destined to fail, again and again. He doesn’t want to remember that loneliness, he doesn’t want to remember what happened when he thought that loneliness could end. </p>
<p>
  <em>"Who do you think let the Princesses in?" Little sister - Catra - howls a laugh, then looks at him with burning eyes, “Did you really think she was on our side?”</em>
</p>
<p>A tiny whine rises from the clone’s throat, and he has to cover his mouth with his hands and bite his palm not to cry. Being Hordak means betrayal, too.  </p>
<p>He knows enough, so he shuts his eyes close and tries to push them back, the memories that now are coming for him like an army of enemies. He doesn’t want to see them. Deep inside his chest, he knows there is worse. Worse than betrayal, worse than solitude, worse ... <em>no, no, no</em>! He shakes his head, but the memories don’t stop coming and now he is breathing heavily, panic clenching his chest because he doesn’t want to remember -</p>
<p>Her. </p>
<p>Her name escapes his mind now, her figure a blur of purple, but her image fills his mind and so does her voice, her laugh, the little sounds she made when she was excited. The clone punches the wall in frustration and grits his teeth - he can’t remember her, he can’t, because she … </p>
<p><em>Sheshesheshesheshe </em> -</p>
<p>The clone struggle, and grabs his ears and claws his face, and tries so hard to stop his mind, to stop to think, to- </p>
<p>
  <em>A green figure walking around him, a smirk on their face. </em>
</p>
<p><em>"Of course, as you know, she wasn’t there"</em>,  <em>they said.</em></p>
<p>
  <em>"I figured out the truth", they said. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"You and Catra sent Entrapta to Beast Island".</em>
</p>
<p><em>NonononoNO </em> - he can’t remember this, he can’t remember her - <em>Entraptaentraptaentrapta </em> - because she … she ...</p>
<p><em>She is dead</em>.</p>
<p>He left her to die. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He has collapsed on the floor. There he lies, too weak to stand up, too weak even to move. Tears fall from his eyes and stain his cheek. Clones are not supposed to cry, but he is not a simple clone, not anymore. Right now, he is Hordak again. And being Hordak means, more than anything, suffering. </p>
<p>He doesn't know how long he stays like this before his brother finds him - not a long time, certainly, because Horde Prime sees all, and Horde Prime knows all. He can feel the other watching him for a few moments before he makes the effort to look up. </p>
<p>“Please,” he begs when he notices the green pupil in the other’s eyes, “please, take them away. Please …”</p>
<p>“Ah, little brother,” the clone - Prime - kneels beside him, shaking his head, “how much pain will you bring upon yourself before letting go of those memories?” </p>
<p>“I didn’t - I don’t want them,” he sobs, “please, <em>please</em>, I don’t want to remember anymore.”</p>
<p>Prime’s hands grab his face, his claws pressing against his skin enough to sting but not to cut. He examines him with his lips pressed in a line, then, he smiles, and his smile is gentle and compassionate. “I see that you search for freedom, little brother. And how could I deny help to the ones who ask for it? Go and get yourself presentable,” he orders, standing up, “then find our little sister and bring her to me. Soon, you will be reborn anew.”</p>
<p>In the blink of an eye, he has gone, and the clone - no, <em>Hordak </em>is left alone. His head aches and exhaustion weighs upon his body, yet he hurries to get up and follow his God’s orders. It will all be over soon. His pain, his desperation, all the agony that those memories bring to his heart. Soon, he will be free again, no different from any other clone. Soon, Hordak will be gone, and with him, the pain</p>
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